you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
