he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize