I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
