worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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