i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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