I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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