I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
