dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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