He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
