trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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