I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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