he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
