just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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