ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
