If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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