guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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