my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
