the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
