Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
