Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
