I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
