Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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