...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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