There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
