I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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