you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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