Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We are all done wearing pants today
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
