just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
