I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
