It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
