Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
