I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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