is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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