Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
