I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
