I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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