my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
