I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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