Jerry, you need to find god
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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