I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
