He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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