..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
