: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
