Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
