I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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