all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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