he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
