hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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