that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
