I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
