I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
