Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
