Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
