Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
