apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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