its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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