Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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