Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
