i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
