I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
