How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
