when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
