Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
