I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
