oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize