My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
